This post I am not proud of! This post is one I would rather not write, yet my blog is about being honest and open and finding ways to cope and finding calmness amongst the chaos.
So here goes…..this week I have had my cranky pants on- actually it’s been worse than that, this week I have been angry!
The fact that I had been feeling so angry, was only frustrating me more. I teach and I write about calmness yet there I was unable to control my own emotions, and I was disappointed in myself.
Angry, disappointed and lashing out at people I care about-a horrible version of myself.
Last night, I started thinking abut the 7 stages of grief; and realized I am at definitely sitting at stage 3 – anger.
Before I continue, and the reason I feel extra foolish is that this whole thing is about my job coming to an end, in the grand scheme of things to be upset in life, this feels over dramatic.
Knowing all of this I still have not been able to control my feelings, and even though I put my hand up for a voluntary redundancy, when I received my letter last Friday, after 8 years in my job, I immediately went to stage 1- shock.
My job situation had been up in the air since February of this year, so after 6 months of uncertainty the fact it was coming to an end was overwhelming. Stage 2 ‘pain’ quickly followed, and while I did ‘volunteer’, I would not have done so at this time in my life, if not for the events of the last few months.
As I still have 2 weeks of employment left, I will save the details of said events for another time, as I still need to get paid.
So I woke up today, pledging to put my cranky pants away to the back of my cupboard, I also resolve to acknowledge that the next stages are most likely on their way, and I will be prepared.
I believe that the key to dealing with anything in life is being honest with yourself – being willing to accept the emotions you are experiencing, even when you make not like the person you have temporarily become.
Trust in yourself that you will rise above it and be back to your normal self. Don’t beat yourself up, things are what they are, you feel what you feel, adding an extra element of guilt and remorse over your feelings and actions only serve to make things worse- trust me I know!
I am not normally the type of person whose glass is half empty, whose pants are cranky, who throws little pity parties for herself.
Life will always throw obstacles in your path, and when I reflect upon this year, or when I sat in the park with a girlfriend on Wednesday and she reflected upon my year, I remembered just how crappy this year has really been.
We listed all the less than ideal things that have occurred to me, and I smiled, I smiled because as shitty as these things are, they are not at the forefront of my mind. They don’t consume my thoughts, I don’t feel hard done by, I feel excited that I have enough strength within to deal with the issues that come my way.
For every dark moment I am able to forget, there are a million happy moments that I remember.
So I am signing off now, to go and bury those cranky pants, it’s a beautiful day, and I am setting outside to warm and lighten up.